An Open Letter To The Young Girl I Was

To the young girl I was, I barely think of you. I have already forgotten what you think about the world and what you were made of. And though I may have long walked away from you, it seemed I haven’t said goodbye, yet.

To the young girl I was, I didn’t realize then how amazing you were. You made me proud so many times, but, it is too late to tell you now, because you’re older. And perhaps, you have already forgotten the child that you were. You were brave and mindless of the people around you. You did the things that made you happy, and you were full of life. You were a promise. You learned things in the most unusual way, yet one way or another, you managed to get a grasp on whatever was given to you. You had so many questions in your head that you, yourself found bizarre, but you asked them anyway. And no matter how many times you were given an answer that never seemed enough to make you stop, your questions remained. You were never afraid. You were cheerful, optimistic, and always ready to experience anything.

I thank you for being the first one to ever believe in me, when no one else did. One way or another, it made me stronger. You were taught that you can dream freely, and so at the time, you dreamed and prayed your heart out so that all the best things would happen to me –and they did! Too bad, you were too young to realize that you were the first of the bests that happened to me. So I thank you.

To the young girl I was, you may not understand this, but I have to say goodbye. Growing up takes a lot of courage so I can choose the better decisions. And in the process, consciously or not, I lost some crucial parts of myself — old parts. Although I can always remember and look back, these parts just simply cannot be part of me anymore. I am no longer the same story from which these parts fell off. For some reason, they no longer belong to me. The dreams are yours, but the decisions are mine to make. And I am sorry if I am not strong enough to do both. Good decisions are not always the right ones.

To the young girl I was, please don’t cry. Just seeing your lips quiver breaks my heart. I am sorry if I have taken you for granted. I should have told you that you were beautiful and capable. I should have reminded you everyday that they were wrong, because you can save the world. I should have assured you that you were meant for something big. That way, maybe you were able to wait just a little bit longer before you succumbed to my doubts. I was wrong when I told you that you need validation from anyone, because this world, I learned, endlessly beats you up until it looks less beaten itself. I am sorry for doubting what you can do. I am sorry for not being on the same side as you. I am sorry for hurting you. Your wrist should be creased by our friendship locket, and not by a scar. You shouldn’t be tormented in your sleep. I am sorry if I used to overthink and scare you at night. I am sorry if I didn’t love you enough. I am sorry for all the wrongs that I have committed and forgotten. And the only way I could think of to redeem myself is to say goodbye now.

It doesn’t feel right to do this, but I learned that my sentimentality stops me from removing all the clutters in my life. You are one of the best things that happened to me, but I am no longer you. I want to learn how to live the dream that I unconsciously made for myself, and embrace it dearly as if it has always been the dream. I have made a road for my life and I do not know where this is taking me, but it’s a long single lane without turns. I see no other way but to follow this. And in accepting the life ahead of me, I don’t want to be set back by regrets of not listening to you. I don’t want to hear your tiny voice inside my head, because even if I know that it is no longer your turn to maneuver my life, I will let you. I am tired of dragging myself and I am afraid I wouldn’t stop to rest once I get a taste of it.

To the young girl I was, I am sorry if you have to grow and end up to be me. I know how difficult it is to be me. You do not deserve to live in a war that I have put up against myself. You know how it is never quiet up there, so I could only imagine how much you have missed your old self. I would understand, for I occasionally wish to be you once again, but I have to be stronger.

To the young girl I was, you have to go, not because I want you to die, but because it is no longer the right time for you to exist. I could only wish I have let you live on as I grew, because it has been a while since I have truly felt happy. I am sorry for wasting you.

And so until next time, to the young girl I was, good-bye.